I Won't Grow Up (I Won't Grow Up)

I don't remember the details, but I was about H and M's age.  My mom and dad had had some people over (our house was always "the place to be", as I remember it) and my parents were cleaning up.  My mom was upstairs in the kitchen and my dad was vacuuming the cellar.  I don't remember if I had been in bed or what, but I remember suddenly being "so sad".  I snuck downstairs and hid behind the chair in the cellar.  When he was done vacuuming, I snuck out from behind the chair, sobbing.  (Now in retrospect, I'm surprised I didn't give him a heart attack!)  Anyway, I remember being "so sad" because I "didn't want to grow up."  I wanted things to stay exactly the way they were.  I remember telling my dad that I always wanted to be able to lay with him on the couch and watch tv.  I wanted to always be able to play softball with him out in the backyard.  I don't remember the exact conversation, but I know my dad told me that I'd always be his little girl and that no matter how old I was, he'd always be there for me.  He made me feel so much better.  I went upstairs to bed and I never really thought about it again.

Until about an hour ago. 

The girls and I got home from rehearsal and they wanted me to lay in bed with them a little while before they fell asleep. (I think they were a little annoyed that we weren't at "the hang" after rehearsal with G and wanted me to take their mind off of all of the socializing they were missing...are they really my daughters?) 

Anyway, we all climbed in to H's bed, H on my left, M on my right.  (For those of you keeping track, the nighttime cuddle is opposite of the morning cuddle where M in on my left and H is on my right...)  But that's not important.

M and I chatted for a few minutes and H was sound asleep in no time. Before I knew it, M had fallen asleep too.  Suddenly, I was "so sad" but this time, I was sad because I didn't want THEM to grow up.  I started to think about the last time FPAC presented "The Sound of Music."  The girls who were cast in the Children's Festival Ensemble just like M and H are this weekend, are now are in college.  We still are very close to many of them and their families.  They are amazing, wonderful, fantastic adults.  But they are no longer kids.  In a flash.  Twelve years went by.  Just like that. 

I know every parent goes through it. I know we will come out the other side just fine.  I ask them these things nearly once a day. "Will you always hug me - even when you're older and your friends are around and you think you're too cool?"  "Can you always cuddle with me even when you're big?"  They humor me, but I'm banking on the fact that I will remind them of all the times that they've said "yes."

We're very fortunate.  Many of these same now-adults that I referred to above are the snuggliest, coziest, love-their-parents peeps you ever want to know so M and H have good role models.  Thank you, Sweet Baby Jesus.

I'm just saying.  It made me sad.  And I cried and cried, all over H's Taggie (which just so happens to be a gift from another now-adult whom our family has watched grow up).  When I snuck out of H's bed, H said, "This is the comfiest I have ever been" and M said "How'd you learn to be such a good cuddler?"

My answer. "I learned from you both.  And I love you.  Goodnight".

And then I cried a little more.